Celebrity Scrapheap

Nice Rack?

2008-10-02T12:52:00.000-07:00

Janet Jackson was rushed to hospital after collapsing backstage at one of her concerts.

Judging by this shot i'm guessing someone finally gave the demented bitch a mirror.

Amy?? Is That Really You??

2008-08-02T12:55:00.000-07:00

The Scrapheap is loving the new Amy Wino waxwork now on display at Madame Tussauds. We are of course offering a £10, 000 prize to anyone who has the courage to add filth, blood, some random syringes, and stick a couple of fags and a lollypop in it's gob.

Kudos for adding cuts.

Breaking News!!

2008-07-29T12:07:00.000-07:00

The state of California has been rocked by a 5.8 earthquake, centred 29 miles South East of downtown Los Angeles.

Tall buildings in LA swayed and fire officials described it as a major seismic event.

Officials added that it was the first time Victoria Beckham had eaten carbs in 25 years.

Kate Nips Out

2008-06-26T14:48:00.000-07:00

Would you go out with your Mum if she was wearing a see through dress?

Thought not. Our sympathies then, go to poor little Lila-Grace Moss who was forced to walk around with clothes horse mum Kate, and her very apparant growler.

Anyone else would have been arrested. Likewise Naomi Campbell attacks a police officer and gets a slap on the wrist, some community service, AND the hearing is haulted so she can eat some chocolate??

Fucking supermodels.

Chanel Hell

2008-06-26T14:30:00.000-07:00

The Scrapheap can't quite believe that Hermione Granger is the new face of Chanel. It's a sad day when we're being flogged high end products by a 12 year old who probably can't tell the difference between No5 and Britney Spears "Curious". If I'm going to spend £50.00 on a perfume then I want a real woman, not the pre-pubescent love interest of Harry Potter hawking it to me.

Katona Faces Bankruptcy

2008-06-26T14:15:00.000-07:00

Poor old Kerry Katona has just six weeks to pay the taxman £157,000 before she faces bankruptcy.

Now I'm no expert but I'm guessing if she sold the Gallardo, Audi R8, or any of the other luxury sports cars that her moronic pig of a philandering husband can currently be seen driving around in, she'd find herself out of hot water quicker than you can say "mug".

Wayleen Wedding

2008-06-19T06:37:00.000-07:00

So Wayne and Coleen finally tied the knot. I see the only thing that Mastercard can't actually buy is good weather. I like Wayne n Col, they've been together since they were at school which proves she isn't just some gold digger, although you'll note she stayed with him after he was caught red handed in a brothel shagging some great hulk known only as "The Auld Slapper".....

Still, surely she deserves a a few million for putting up with that face....

Posh's Pity Party

2008-06-15T08:31:00.000-07:00

Sticky Vicky has been complaining to anyone who'll listen that she doesn't think people like her as much as husband, David. Maybe it has to do with having a slamming hot husband, gorgeous childeren, millions of pounds in the bank, and still being consistenltly unable to crack a smile.

Here's a picture of the back of her head. It's much easier on the eye.

Spears Sitcom Horror

2008-06-15T08:24:00.000-07:00

Everyone's favourite nutcase Britney Spears is in talks to star in her own sitcom, about em....her.

Well, she is fucking hilarious.

Radiohead Left Skint

2008-06-11T08:32:00.000-07:00

Radiohead's manager has announced that the band's decision to sell their latest album In Rainbows, on a pay-what-you-like basis, "to some extent backfired."

Really? Really?

What's truly shocking to me is that they were managed by someone silly enough to allow them to go through with such a ridiculous tree hugging gesture.

I would suggest sacking him but there probably isn't enough money left to pay the poor bastard anyway.

Just Another Day In The Life Of Potty Pete

2008-06-10T12:25:00.000-07:00

Professional junkie Pete Doherty is hiring an outside firm to investigate where all his hard earned cash has been disappearing to lately:

I can easily hazard two guesses:

1) Up his nose.

2) Hiring an outside firm to confirm this.

Oh how the other half live.......

Fielder-Civil: Tent City Inmate?

2008-06-10T04:40:00.000-07:00

In the interests of reporting "news" double-barrelled crackhead, and all round muppet Blake Fielder-Civil, has pleaded guilty to grievous bodily harm and conspiring to pervert the course of justice, (charges relating to an assault in 2006).

I think the only chance of salvation this waster has is to be sent far, far away where Amy's cash can't protect him. Somewhere like Tent City Jail in Arizona, where he would be forced to wear pink knickers and bury dead people.

Come to think of it they should pack Wino off there as well, then maybe, just maybe we could finally get a reality TV show worth tuning in for.......

In Need Of A Wedding Dress?

2008-06-10T04:31:00.000-07:00

Jerry Hall is auctioning the wedding dress she wore when she married Mick Jagger 180 years ago.

Hall is selling items from her wardrobe to raise money for homeless charity Emmaus and has said of the gown: "I hope someone else has more luck than I did."

Eh?

You married a fucking millionaire.

How much luckier could it get?

Glasto Fiasco!

2008-06-10T04:25:00.000-07:00

Glastonbury Festival promoter Emily Eavis has blamed poor ticket sales on the weather.

Yes that's right, poor weather.

Absolutely nothing to do with headliners Jay Z and Shakin Stevens.......because that's what all the kids are into these days.

Doherty Dead?

2008-06-09T07:55:00.000-07:00

A Scottish artist has drawn images of Pete Doherty in which the Babyshambles singer is depicted as dead.

How ironic that they happen to be the most lifelike pictures I've ever clapped eyes on.....it's just like looking at the real thing.

You're Hired!

2008-06-09T07:46:00.000-07:00

Essex Council has offered a job to the runner up of The Apprentice 2008.

Lord Hanningfield, leader of Essex Council, said: "Essex County Council is as ambitious as any private company.
"We unashamedly want the best and brightest to come and work for us."

He obviously hasn't been watching the show then.

Cheryl's Star On The Rise

2008-06-09T06:07:00.000-07:00

As Mrs O ponders whether or not to take part in BBC1's Strictly Come Dancing, The Scrapheap has learned that Cheryl Cole has been approached to replace her as a judge on ITV's X Factor.

Good for Cheryl.

It's amazing what her smug slutty husband and his list of mafia handled indiscretions has done for her career.

After cheating on his wife, and asking his conquests to have abortions before paying them off, I'm not even going to mention his big stupid fat girl name on this page.

New Low For Wino

2008-06-09T05:53:00.000-07:00

Tapes showing Amy Winehouse having sex, (eugh) smoking crack, and being racist have recently found their way into public consumption.

It's quite remarkable how Wino manages to find a new way of being noxious and offensive with each day that passes.

She is also said to be stumping up around £1000 a week to keep her equally repulsive husband "safe" in jail.

There is clearly no "rock bottom" in sight for the emaciated fruitloop.

Don't even get me started on the hair. It reminds of the time I tried to dye my jeans using toilet bleach, aged seven.

I hereby promise to bitch slap the next person to accuse the filthy mare of having any "talent".

I love You Sylar

2008-06-06T14:21:00.000-07:00

While we're (not) on the subject of gratuitously handsome men, here's a random pic of Sylar a.k.a Gabriel The Watchmaker, (A real person).

You're so wicked and evil Sylar.

I needed something nice to look at after that hideous image of Wino close up.

The Price Is £200.00

2008-06-06T14:00:00.001-07:00

Jordan a.k.a Katie Price has just landed herself with a £200 fine after being caught chatting on her mobile phone while driving.

That's right, while driving!

Police at the scene were utterly amazed that the glamour model had the mental capacity to talk and drive at the same time.

She is the first glamour model to attain such a high accolade.

Well done Jordan, The Scrapheap didn't think you had it in you.

Casey Affleck, World's Biggest Whiner

2008-06-06T13:50:00.000-07:00

Casey Affleck, famous for being the little brother of Ben, has been quoted as saying that making movies is like "taking medicine" he goes on, (and on).....

"Some people have fun making movies, I don't understand that. I never have fun. I feel artistically satisfied and one must work, but it's never kind of a laugh."

Hmm....maybe that's because all the movies you're in are shit Casey.

Time for a career change? I hear Burger King are hiring.

Who Will Win Euro 2008?

2008-06-06T13:41:00.000-07:00

I'm a girl.

I don't fucking care as long as we get to see plenty of Michael Ballack getting all hot and bothered.

Here, have a gander, he's like a big sexy caveman.

Sharon O Steps Down

2008-06-06T13:31:00.000-07:00

Mrs O has decided to quit The X Factor after four years of mentoring and judging alonside Simon Cowell and big fat twat Louis Walsh. In a statement she thanked Simon, and the British public, although she declined to comment further.

My source informs me she was mightily pissed off when repeatedly told not to throw any more glasses of water, as this could pose a very lethal hazard for android Danni Minogue.

Jolie-Pitts Enlist The Help Of Supernanny, Jo Frost

2008-06-04T16:10:00.000-07:00

Apparently Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have turned to Supernanny Jo Frost in a bid to control their ever-growing brood. Having recently read Frost's "Confident Baby Care" I can say with certainty that the kid's ill advised diet of chocolate and junk food will be the first to go.

I'd have thought information like that would be obvious to anyone with half a functioning brain, but here are some other golden nuggets of information I picked up, just in case:

Never feed baby in a moving car.

Never "prop" baby's bottle up while you do something else.

Don't hold baby while cooking.

Never tie a dog's lead to the pram......it could tip over.

Don't install a bookshelf above baby's cot.

The sad thing is that some fuckers actually need to be told this.

Federline Wins Parenting Award...WTF?

2008-06-04T15:09:00.000-07:00

Las Vegas Nightclub Prive has just awarded Kevin Federline an award for "Best Father of the Year".

A nightclub handing out a parenting award?

Have they seen him there with his kids?

Does he take them to the bar side creche while he's out drinking till 3am?

Is Prive staffed by experts in child care?

Aside from procreating and shafting the Bank Of Britney for all it's worth what does this smirking toad actually do for a living? I've only ever seen pictures of him playing golf, and um...smirking like a toad. Which you would do if you were making a small fortune without actually lifting a finger.

I can only surmise by saying that Prive must value his custom, and as they can't award him for his prowess on the golf course or endless ability to smirk, they came up with this no brainer.

Federline and Prive...you're both sentenced to languish at the bottom of the Scrap Heap.

The first person to say something sensible gets out.

Mossy Goes Home With Pete?

2008-06-04T14:44:00.000-07:00

Well not exactly.

Potty Pete Doherty shelled out £5,000 (where on earth does he get the money?) on a picture of ex-girlfriend Kate Moss.

Clearly it's the closest he'll get to the supermodel these days.

Bet James Hince was just tickled by the news....

Wino's Fun Filled Day At Court

2008-06-04T10:29:00.000-07:00

Amy Winehouse claimed that recent Court proceedings involving husband Blake Fielder-Civil were like "Disneyland".

Funny that, I'd have thought even a simple jaunt to the loo was akin to being at the amusements for spacer Amy.

Could You Be Paris Hilton's New Best Friend?

2008-06-04T09:43:00.000-07:00

I chuckled when I heard the news that brainless twit Paris Hilton is now having to rely on auditioning people to be her new best friend. I can't imagine there are that many folks who would willingly sign up for such arduous torture.

I'm imagining the prerequisites read as follows?

1) Must walk ten steps behind Paris at all times.

2) Must not be educated beyond the age of 8. Paris like to feel smart.

3) Must not show crotch whilst exiting vehicles. Paris does not like the competition.

4) Must be willing to take responsibility for all minor indiscretions committed by Paris....this may include serving jail time.

5) Must be hot, but um, like not hotter than um, Paris.

I'm guessing there are no winners here.

Jolie Odd Chocolate

2008-06-04T08:26:00.000-07:00

I always thought there was something deeply unsettling about Angelina Jolie, you know, other than the(ahem) sex with knives fetish.

Apparantly she gorged on Toblerone throughout the final stages of her pregnancy.

Anyone who can actually claim to enjoy eating this painfully shaped treat definitely has sinister tendencies.

I'd be sleeping with one eye open if I were you Brad Pitt.

Britney's Boob Crisis Gathers Pace

2008-06-04T07:45:00.000-07:00

Another day, another picture of Britney minus a bra looking like something that's been dragged backwards through a bush before being kicked repeatedly for good measure.

Surely someone on her massive payroll could urge her to take a shower and hire a stylist?

Hell I'll even offer my own services.

She is living proof that all the money in the world cannot buy you taste.
Or a bra, apparently.

Tatum O'Neal Thanks Cops For "Saving" Her From Crack.

2008-06-04T06:56:00.001-07:00

Tatum O'Neal obviously picked up a thing or two playing a child con-artist in Paper Moon. Her array of excuses after she was arrested for buying crack were priceless.

First she was "researching for a movie role".....that old nugget first made famous during Winona's shoplifting phase. When that was met with stony silence, she broke down and thanked arresting officers for "saving her life".

The whole thing reeks of so much bullshit I can't even think straight.

I'd be willing to bet she's wired to the (Paper)moon as we speak. (haw haw).

Sharon Stone Gets Above Her Station. Again.

2008-06-03T16:21:00.000-07:00

First Ole Shazza snubs fans in Cannes, refusing to sign autographs or have her picture taken , then she goes on to wax lyrical about karma saying "When you are not nice bad things happen to you. I'm not happy about how the Chinese are treating the Tibetans".

Eh?

Maybe that's why a dragon tried to eat your husband?

Just stick to showing your crotch Sharon.

You're really very good at it.

Posh Claims L.A is Making Her Ugly

2008-06-03T15:54:00.000-07:00

L.A?

Seriously?

I've never considered using L.A as an excuse for anything before but if Sticky Vicky says it's ok then it would be impolite not to follow suit.

I won't be returning to work on Monday and you can blame L.A!

Hmmm it feels quite good knowing that nothing is my fault anymore. I wonder what else I can use this novel explanation for....

Maybe Kerry Isn't So Bad After All?

2008-06-03T15:13:00.001-07:00

I've never had much Sympathy for Kerry Katona. The Iceland adverts were more torture than any human being should ever have to endure and Crazy In Love could go down as the one of the worst career moves in history.

Her husband Mark came across as a smirking little prick, quite happy to live off her earnings, under the thinly veiled guise of being "her driver". The relationship between the pair of them was vulgar and more often than not, uncomfortable to watch.

But now it seems she has an even bigger creep in her life, her ex-husband and all round twat Brian McFadden.

Having spent the past few years shagging Delta Goodrem all over Australia, he's now moaning about the way in which his two young girls are being brought up by Kerry, and actually wants HIS MOTHER to raise them as he reckons she would do a better job!

Where does this lazy pathetic excuse for a Father get off? He doesn't seem to have the slightest interest in raising them himself as he's far too busy trying to ressurect his "music" career. (The Government are in the process of making it illegal to listen to Brian McFadden CD's).

He even sank low enough to criticise his daughters accents, labelling them "skanky".
This may account for his reluctance to return to the UK as approximatly two million Northerners now want to kick him up the arse.

He may not like the way Kerry is raising the girls, but he clearly has nothing better to offer, so perhaps it's time he shut up, stopped making an absolute gobshite of himself, and showed some gratitude and respect that he has been able to shirk his responsibility and pursue the career he wants.

The Twat.

That said.....we're still not Kerry fans yet. Perhaps if she could breakdance or walk a tightrope between two multi-storeys buildings, balancing a flaming barbecue on her chin then we'd be more impressed.

Boyzone Tickets Selling For 1p!

2008-06-03T15:04:00.000-07:00

Seriously?

I can't even begin to imagine where they found anyone willing to stump up that much cash.

Ali Lohan: Brat In Training

2008-06-03T14:27:00.000-07:00

Just as one Lohan star is finally on the wane, it looks like we are about to be ambushed by an even younger, more irritating version. Living Lohan which starts on E! Entertainment, (Sunday 8 June, 10pm) will follow pitbull Dina Lohan as she shoe-horns kid sister Ali Lohan in to a "music" career. An altogether terrifying prospect.

I suppose this is a strategic move given that Lindsay is no longer the lucrative cash cow she once was.

Recent sightings suggest that her only functioning brain cell has now been completely ravaged by Coke.

In fact the most exciting thing she's done of late is kiss lesbian Samantha Ronson, which is really only interesting as Samantha is the brother of Mark Ronson who may actually possess real talent, something almost unheard of nowadays. Funny how you never see the three of them together.

In the first episode Ali reveals herself to be so dense that light actually seems to bend around her. Pushy "Mom" Dina is actually quite terrifying and I shudder to think what she might do if anyone ever actually had the balls to say No to her.

In the preview Ali seemed bored, vapid, and moody.

Maybe it had just dawned on her she was in the process of being pimped out to fund Dina's crazy life?

As for the music?

The Scrapheap beckons.......

Katie and Peter Andre In Clothing Scandal.

2008-06-02T17:53:00.000-07:00

What's with all the his n her Ed Hardy clothes?

Why are they doing this to us?

It's quickly becoming more offensive than fur.

Whoever you are stop selling it to them.

Please.

Stop Now.

Kimberly Stewart: An Enigma Wrapped In A Mystery

2008-06-02T16:20:00.000-07:00

I can't figure out what this insipid peroxide twit actually does for a living.
Other than Jude Law. And she is of course the daughter of the notoriously tight-fisted Rod Stewart so that has to count for something, in La La Land anyway.

I once saw a programme where people were competing to be her flat mate.
It sounded like bloody torture to me. She has the figure of an eight year old child so you probably couldn't borrow her clothes unless you were, well...an eight year old child.

Aisde from that, Experts are still trying to determine what, if anything inhabits the space between her ears. Most recent studies point towards tumbleweed.

So Ms Stewart, consider yourself banished until you can conjure up some manner of discernible talent. Extra points for sword swallowing and juggling with knives.

Jade's Just Desserts

2008-06-02T16:12:00.000-07:00

Jade Goody loses a stone in six weeks.

Jade Goody gains a stone in six weeks.

Jade Goody is in talks about ideas for a new reality TV show.

Jade Goody is so unbelievably dense that all her jewellery is stolen after she leaves her bedroom window wide open, and her insurance won't cover it.

Snigger snigger....

I'm sending her to The Scrapheap before her two brain cells twang together and she does herself a mischief.

Why Fern, Why?

2008-06-02T16:05:00.000-07:00

So Fern Britton has lied to us about having a gastric band.

In the words of my own Mother....I'm not angry just really pissed off. We don't care how you lost the weight, Fern, we care that you lied to us. And being liberal with the truth is the same as lying. All those mornings spent empathising with all your hard work and exercise.... didn't you learn anything from Anne Diamond?

Just know that it hurts us lady. It hurts us real bad.

Get It Sorted Winehouse!

2008-06-02T15:46:00.000-07:00

I used to like Amy Winehouse. In fact I used to LOVE Amy Winehouse but it seems to me that her talent, along with her brain has taken a permanent vacation to her arsehole. Going on recent performances this woman should be locked up in a padded cell without further delay.

How the police aren't able to catch her in the act of buying/using heroin I don't know. I suppose they're all preoccupied trying to arrest anyone who tries to download one of her songs without paying.

The sight of her wandering round in her blood soaked ballet pumps, covered in scratches with half her face disintegrating is nothing short of tragic. Surely if she doesn't get help she'll be dead within the year. There is nothing talented or entertaining about that.

And this new found "friendship" with fellow junkie Pete Doherty, another hasbeen ravaged by drugs, is nothing short of alarming. Which pillock thought it would be a good idea to introduce these two? I just hope they never attempt sex. (Eugh!)

So I'm sorry Amy, you're first up for The Scrapheap, but don't worry there's company headed your way.....