Celebrity Scrapheap

Nice Rack?

2008-10-02T12:52:00.000-07:00

Janet Jackson was rushed to hospital after collapsing backstage at one of her concerts.

Judging by this shot i'm guessing someone finally gave the demented bitch a mirror.

Amy?? Is That Really You??

2008-08-02T12:55:00.000-07:00

The Scrapheap is loving the new Amy Wino waxwork now on display at Madame Tussauds. We are of course offering a £10, 000 prize to anyone who has the courage to add filth, blood, some random syringes, and stick a couple of fags and a lollypop in it's gob.

Kudos for adding cuts.

Breaking News!!

2008-07-29T12:07:00.000-07:00

The state of California has been rocked by a 5.8 earthquake, centred 29 miles South East of downtown Los Angeles.

Tall buildings in LA swayed and fire officials described it as a major seismic event.

Officials added that it was the first time Victoria Beckham had eaten carbs in 25 years.

Kate Nips Out

2008-06-26T14:48:00.000-07:00

Would you go out with your Mum if she was wearing a see through dress?

Thought not. Our sympathies then, go to poor little Lila-Grace Moss who was forced to walk around with clothes horse mum Kate, and her very apparant growler.

Anyone else would have been arrested. Likewise Naomi Campbell attacks a police officer and gets a slap on the wrist, some community service, AND the hearing is haulted so she can eat some chocolate??

Fucking supermodels.

Chanel Hell

2008-06-26T14:30:00.000-07:00

The Scrapheap can't quite believe that Hermione Granger is the new face of Chanel. It's a sad day when we're being flogged high end products by a 12 year old who probably can't tell the difference between No5 and Britney Spears "Curious". If I'm going to spend £50.00 on a perfume then I want a real woman, not the pre-pubescent love interest of Harry Potter hawking it to me.

Katona Faces Bankruptcy

2008-06-26T14:15:00.000-07:00

Poor old Kerry Katona has just six weeks to pay the taxman £157,000 before she faces bankruptcy.

Now I'm no expert but I'm guessing if she sold the Gallardo, Audi R8, or any of the other luxury sports cars that her moronic pig of a philandering husband can currently be seen driving around in, she'd find herself out of hot water quicker than you can say "mug".

Wayleen Wedding

2008-06-19T06:37:00.000-07:00

So Wayne and Coleen finally tied the knot. I see the only thing that Mastercard can't actually buy is good weather. I like Wayne n Col, they've been together since they were at school which proves she isn't just some gold digger, although you'll note she stayed with him after he was caught red handed in a brothel shagging some great hulk known only as "The Auld Slapper".....

Still, surely she deserves a a few million for putting up with that face....

Posh's Pity Party

2008-06-15T08:31:00.000-07:00

Sticky Vicky has been complaining to anyone who'll listen that she doesn't think people like her as much as husband, David. Maybe it has to do with having a slamming hot husband, gorgeous childeren, millions of pounds in the bank, and still being consistenltly unable to crack a smile.

Here's a picture of the back of her head. It's much easier on the eye.

Spears Sitcom Horror

2008-06-15T08:24:00.000-07:00

Everyone's favourite nutcase Britney Spears is in talks to star in her own sitcom, about em....her.

Well, she is fucking hilarious.

Radiohead Left Skint

2008-06-11T08:32:00.000-07:00

Radiohead's manager has announced that the band's decision to sell their latest album In Rainbows, on a pay-what-you-like basis, "to some extent backfired."

Really? Really?

What's truly shocking to me is that they were managed by someone silly enough to allow them to go through with such a ridiculous tree hugging gesture.

I would suggest sacking him but there probably isn't enough money left to pay the poor bastard anyway.

Just Another Day In The Life Of Potty Pete

2008-06-10T12:25:00.000-07:00

Professional junkie Pete Doherty is hiring an outside firm to investigate where all his hard earned cash has been disappearing to lately:

I can easily hazard two guesses:

1) Up his nose.

2) Hiring an outside firm to confirm this.

Oh how the other half live.......

Fielder-Civil: Tent City Inmate?

2008-06-10T04:40:00.000-07:00

In the interests of reporting "news" double-barrelled crackhead, and all round muppet Blake Fielder-Civil, has pleaded guilty to grievous bodily harm and conspiring to pervert the course of justice, (charges relating to an assault in 2006).

I think the only chance of salvation this waster has is to be sent far, far away where Amy's cash can't protect him. Somewhere like Tent City Jail in Arizona, where he would be forced to wear pink knickers and bury dead people.

Come to think of it they should pack Wino off there as well, then maybe, just maybe we could finally get a reality TV show worth tuning in for.......

In Need Of A Wedding Dress?

2008-06-10T04:31:00.000-07:00

Jerry Hall is auctioning the wedding dress she wore when she married Mick Jagger 180 years ago.

Hall is selling items from her wardrobe to raise money for homeless charity Emmaus and has said of the gown: "I hope someone else has more luck than I did."

Eh?

You married a fucking millionaire.

How much luckier could it get?

Glasto Fiasco!

2008-06-10T04:25:00.000-07:00

Glastonbury Festival promoter Emily Eavis has blamed poor ticket sales on the weather.

Yes that's right, poor weather.

Absolutely nothing to do with headliners Jay Z and Shakin Stevens.......because that's what all the kids are into these days.

Doherty Dead?

2008-06-09T07:55:00.000-07:00

A Scottish artist has drawn images of Pete Doherty in which the Babyshambles singer is depicted as dead.

How ironic that they happen to be the most lifelike pictures I've ever clapped eyes on.....it's just like looking at the real thing.

You're Hired!

2008-06-09T07:46:00.000-07:00

Essex Council has offered a job to the runner up of The Apprentice 2008.

Lord Hanningfield, leader of Essex Council, said: "Essex County Council is as ambitious as any private company.
"We unashamedly want the best and brightest to come and work for us."

He obviously hasn't been watching the show then.

Cheryl's Star On The Rise

2008-06-09T06:07:00.000-07:00

As Mrs O ponders whether or not to take part in BBC1's Strictly Come Dancing, The Scrapheap has learned that Cheryl Cole has been approached to replace her as a judge on ITV's X Factor.

Good for Cheryl.

It's amazing what her smug slutty husband and his list of mafia handled indiscretions has done for her career.

After cheating on his wife, and asking his conquests to have abortions before paying them off, I'm not even going to mention his big stupid fat girl name on this page.

New Low For Wino

2008-06-09T05:53:00.000-07:00

Tapes showing Amy Winehouse having sex, (eugh) smoking crack, and being racist have recently found their way into public consumption.

It's quite remarkable how Wino manages to find a new way of being noxious and offensive with each day that passes.

She is also said to be stumping up around £1000 a week to keep her equally repulsive husband "safe" in jail.

There is clearly no "rock bottom" in sight for the emaciated fruitloop.

Don't even get me started on the hair. It reminds of the time I tried to dye my jeans using toilet bleach, aged seven.

I hereby promise to bitch slap the next person to accuse the filthy mare of having any "talent".

I love You Sylar

2008-06-06T14:21:00.000-07:00

While we're (not) on the subject of gratuitously handsome men, here's a random pic of Sylar a.k.a Gabriel The Watchmaker, (A real person).

You're so wicked and evil Sylar.

I needed something nice to look at after that hideous image of Wino close up.

The Price Is £200.00

2008-06-06T14:00:00.001-07:00

Jordan a.k.a Katie Price has just landed herself with a £200 fine after being caught chatting on her mobile phone while driving.

That's right, while driving!

Police at the scene were utterly amazed that the glamour model had the mental capacity to talk and drive at the same time.

She is the first glamour model to attain such a high accolade.

Well done Jordan, The Scrapheap didn't think you had it in you.

Casey Affleck, World's Biggest Whiner

2008-06-06T13:50:00.000-07:00

Casey Affleck, famous for being the little brother of Ben, has been quoted as saying that making movies is like "taking medicine" he goes on, (and on).....

"Some people have fun making movies, I don't understand that. I never have fun. I feel artistically satisfied and one must work, but it's never kind of a laugh."

Hmm....maybe that's because all the movies you're in are shit Casey.

Time for a career change? I hear Burger King are hiring.

Who Will Win Euro 2008?

2008-06-06T13:41:00.000-07:00

I'm a girl.

I don't fucking care as long as we get to see plenty of Michael Ballack getting all hot and bothered.

Here, have a gander, he's like a big sexy caveman.

Sharon O Steps Down

2008-06-06T13:31:00.000-07:00

Mrs O has decided to quit The X Factor after four years of mentoring and judging alonside Simon Cowell and big fat twat Louis Walsh. In a statement she thanked Simon, and the British public, although she declined to comment further.

My source informs me she was mightily pissed off when repeatedly told not to throw any more glasses of water, as this could pose a very lethal hazard for android Danni Minogue.

Jolie-Pitts Enlist The Help Of Supernanny, Jo Frost

2008-06-04T16:10:00.000-07:00

Apparently Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have turned to Supernanny Jo Frost in a bid to control their ever-growing brood. Having recently read Frost's "Confident Baby Care" I can say with certainty that the kid's ill advised diet of chocolate and junk food will be the first to go.

I'd have thought information like that would be obvious to anyone with half a functioning brain, but here are some other golden nuggets of information I picked up, just in case:

Never feed baby in a moving car.

Never "prop" baby's bottle up while you do something else.

Don't hold baby while cooking.

Never tie a dog's lead to the pram......it could tip over.

Don't install a bookshelf above baby's cot.

The sad thing is that some fuckers actually need to be told this.

Federline Wins Parenting Award...WTF?

2008-06-04T15:09:00.000-07:00

Las Vegas Nightclub Prive has just awarded Kevin Federline an award for "Best Father of the Year".

A nightclub handing out a parenting award?

Have they seen him there with his kids?

Does he take them to the bar side creche while he's out drinking till 3am?

Is Prive staffed by experts in child care?

Aside from procreating and shafting the Bank Of Britney for all it's worth what does this smirking toad actually do for a living? I've only ever seen pictures of him playing golf, and um...smirking like a toad. Which you would do if you were making a small fortune without actually lifting a finger.

I can only surmise by saying that Prive must value his custom, and as they can't award him for his prowess on the golf course or endless ability to smirk, they came up with this no brainer.

Federline and Prive...you're both sentenced to languish at the bottom of the Scrap Heap.

The first person to say something sensible gets out.